An article recently
popped up in my feed headlined "Rich parents are serving as 'college concierges' for their kids - and it's fueling inequality"
From
<https://www.marketwatch.com/story/helicopter-parenting-may-be-fueling-inequality-among-college-students-2018-03-05>
"
The Washington Post
reports on the same study with the headline "
Helicopter parents
don’t stay at home when the kids go to college — they keep hovering"
Both articles cover
a new study showing how rich kids still graduate and go on to attain
degree-appropriate employment at a far higher rate than their poor classmates
attending the same schools.
This inequality is
attributed to their rich parents. In a nutshell, these parents advise, coach,
and guide their children towards appropriate majors, classes - even societies,
clubs, and fraternities. Secondly they use their own personal and professional
contacts to gain their children entry into the internships, jobs, and other
opportunities they need. In contrast, poor or working class parents simply
don't have the knowledge or contacts to provide their children with these
services. They incorrectly assume that "someone" at the college (or
earlier) will make sure their kids learn what they need. Thus the gap between rich and poor, which we
supposed was to be magically erased by simply getting those lower income kids
into college, doesn't actually shrink at all - but the poor kids now have
college debt on top of everything else.
I'm not going to
dispute the truth of this study; on the contrary, it seems self evident: more
involved parents lead to better success for their kids. What I am reacting to
is the value judgements made explicitly clear both in the headlines and in the
stories. In today's culture, the words "Helicopter" (as in
"swooping in to rescue") and now "Bulldozer" (as in
"removing all obstacles") when combined with the word "parenting" are always
meant to taken negatively. We're supposed to think "Oh my, I shouldn't be
doing all these things for my kids. They need to learn to sink or swim on their
own. I am not doing them any favors by solving all their problems for them."
As indeed, you're
not. I fully believe that backing off when your kid has a conflict at the
playground, takes a minor spill on her bike, or finds himself facing a test for
which he has not prepared is (usually) very good parenting advice. Not so easy
to follow, maybe, but conceptually solid. The issue I take with these articles
is conflating the term "helicopter parenting" with parents who are
helping their kids in the ways described above. Nothing these articles
describes comes even close to "helicopter parenting" in my book.
My
own parents (and yes, they are solidly middle class, maybe even upper middle
class by some measures) did many of these things for me. In particular, my
father helped direct me away from a major I might have chosen left to my own
devices (journalism or some related path) and towards one that had far better
income potential (computer science.) He knew that I was perfectly qualified for
the latter, even if the former felt easier and less scary to me. And he was
right. It only took one 200-level course to show me that I could even enjoy
computer programming. Shortly thereafter he made sure that my resume ended up
on the right desks at his place of business. He was very careful to avoid any
hint of nepotism by actually speaking to any of the people in the departments
he hoped might hire me (indeed, we kept our relationship all but secret during
the 3 years I interned there), but he absolutely used his knowledge and
contacts to find out who was looking for interns with my skillset. Earlier, while I was still in high school,
he'd urged me to apply for an internship elsewhere through an early STEM
program. This resume-builder not only taught me some valuable database skills
well before my peers had opportunity to learn them in college, but it almost
certainly got me noticed by my next internship. Earlier even than that he
encouraged me to take courses in basic programming in my early teens. And yes,
we had computers available (the venerable TI99-4a and Commodore 64) at home all
through my childhood. I learned to type in order to earn game time!
The end result was
that, in addition to graduating a private college sans debt (about 50/50 my
parents' contributions and my summer earnings and scholarships), I spent 10
years in a succession of rewarding and well compensated high tech jobs. Was any
of this helicopter parenting? Not in my book. He certainly counseled me, pushed
me in directions I would not have considered on my own, and suggested various
courses of action, but once I took that advice and got into those internships
and classes I had to sink or swim on my own. He didn't take my tests for me,
lean on an underling to hire me, or go around covering up or bailing me out of
my inadequacies or failures. And somewhere along the way I took up the reigns
entirely. I turned down the offer of full-time employment with his company and
took a job that had nothing to do with him: a professor in my minor field was
impressed with my course work and recommended me for a position in a startup he
was working with.
Returning to our headlines, even more than
"Helicopter,"
"Inequality" is a highly loaded word in our culture, and it
also is always negative. It is associated with institutional racism, sexism,
and any other "ism" you can think of. When we hear the word we are
supposed to immediately think "oh, that's bad. It's not fair! How can we
make things more equal?" Of course the answer is usually "not
much" - at least on the low side. While perhaps career counselors and
other faculty in high school and beyond might possibly be able to do a little
more to coach kids without successful, involved parents, that's about all you
could hope for to improve the success rate for these less privileged students. So,
barring much potential for reducing the delta on the poor end, we instead focus
on the high end. They pull out the "Inequality" word. How Unfair it
is that you rich parents are giving your kids the benefit of their wisdom,
experience, and contacts! (And, I might add, your *genes!*) In fact, what
you’re doing is nothing less than helicopter parenting. It's inappropriate
interference in the "real world" that we are supposed to enter at age
18. Back off and let your kids figure it out on their own. Your input is not
welcome. It is putting the kids who don't have parents like you at risk of
failure. Let them have a chance by abandoning your kid to the jungle.
I resent and utterly
reject the implied suggestion that by making my kids less, I will be making the
world a better place by reducing the net inequality. Because where does that
even end? Let's go back in my own life.
How unfair is it that my parents were *married?* (To each other!) That
my mother chose to - and was financially able to - devote herself entirely to
homemaking during my childhood? That my father's engineering strengths and my
mother's more artistic and language-centric strengths were passed on to me
by both nature and nurture? That my father remained steadily employed? That I
suffered no serious childhood traumas or illnesses? That I was provided with
opportunities to study music outside of school? That I was routinely taken to
the library and encouraged to read? That I was always emotionally supported and
encouraged to perform well academically? That I was taught the value of thrift,
the hatred of debt, and the discipline of living within one's means? That I
didn't have to chose summer jobs based purely on their income potential? That I
was discouraged from dating or getting involved with much of the social garbage
during high school? That I lived in a safe neighborhood on a cul-de-sac where I
could ride my bike and make friends with the neighbors? That I had good medical
and dental care? That I was taught
compassion and charity and service and commitment and loyalty? That I had
access to my grandparents? That I was raised in the church?
All of this and more
directly contributed to my inequality with my peers. It's called good parenting.
And all of this and
more is exactly what I want to give my kids.
And no, it's not
fair. Because life isn't fair. That's the fallen world we live in. But I can't
solve it by not training my kids up to succeed - to make the best of their
God-given talents and opportunities.
I can help solve it
by training them to always be looking for ways of improving the lives of those
around them, be it in minor or major ways. To love their neighbors, to act
unselfishly, with compassion and charity, to have integrity and loyalty, and to
look for the Kingdom of God around them. This is what I can do: more, not less.
Infinite sum, not zero-sum thinking!
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