Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Zero Sum Parenting


An article recently popped up in my feed headlined "Rich parents are serving as 'college concierges' for their kids - and it's fueling inequality"  
From <https://www.marketwatch.com/story/helicopter-parenting-may-be-fueling-inequality-among-college-students-2018-03-05> "
The Washington Post reports on the same study with the headline "
Helicopter parents don’t stay at home when the kids go to college — they keep hovering"

Both articles cover a new study showing how rich kids still graduate and go on to attain degree-appropriate employment at a far higher rate than their poor classmates attending the same schools.
This inequality is attributed to their rich parents. In a nutshell, these parents advise, coach, and guide their children towards appropriate majors, classes - even societies, clubs, and fraternities. Secondly they use their own personal and professional contacts to gain their children entry into the internships, jobs, and other opportunities they need. In contrast, poor or working class parents simply don't have the knowledge or contacts to provide their children with these services. They incorrectly assume that "someone" at the college (or earlier) will make sure their kids learn what they need.  Thus the gap between rich and poor, which we supposed was to be magically erased by simply getting those lower income kids into college, doesn't actually shrink at all - but the poor kids now have college debt on top of everything else.

I'm not going to dispute the truth of this study; on the contrary, it seems self evident: more involved parents lead to better success for their kids. What I am reacting to is the value judgements made explicitly clear both in the headlines and in the stories. In today's culture, the words "Helicopter" (as in "swooping in to rescue") and now "Bulldozer" (as in "removing all obstacles") when combined with  the word "parenting" are always meant to taken negatively. We're supposed to think "Oh my, I shouldn't be doing all these things for my kids. They need to learn to sink or swim on their own. I am not doing them any favors by solving all their problems for them."

As indeed, you're not. I fully believe that backing off when your kid has a conflict at the playground, takes a minor spill on her bike, or finds himself facing a test for which he has not prepared is (usually) very good parenting advice. Not so easy to follow, maybe, but conceptually solid. The issue I take with these articles is conflating the term "helicopter parenting" with parents who are helping their kids in the ways described above. Nothing these articles describes comes even close to "helicopter parenting" in my book. 

My own parents (and yes, they are solidly middle class, maybe even upper middle class by some measures) did many of these things for me. In particular, my father helped direct me away from a major I might have chosen left to my own devices (journalism or some related path) and towards one that had far better income potential (computer science.) He knew that I was perfectly qualified for the latter, even if the former felt easier and less scary to me. And he was right. It only took one 200-level course to show me that I could even enjoy computer programming. Shortly thereafter he made sure that my resume ended up on the right desks at his place of business. He was very careful to avoid any hint of nepotism by actually speaking to any of the people in the departments he hoped might hire me (indeed, we kept our relationship all but secret during the 3 years I interned there), but he absolutely used his knowledge and contacts to find out who was looking for interns with my skillset.  Earlier, while I was still in high school, he'd urged me to apply for an internship elsewhere through an early STEM program. This resume-builder not only taught me some valuable database skills well before my peers had opportunity to learn them in college, but it almost certainly got me noticed by my next internship. Earlier even than that he encouraged me to take courses in basic programming in my early teens. And yes, we had computers available (the venerable TI99-4a and Commodore 64) at home all through my childhood. I learned to type in order to earn game time!

The end result was that, in addition to graduating a private college sans debt (about 50/50 my parents' contributions and my summer earnings and scholarships), I spent 10 years in a succession of rewarding and well compensated high tech jobs. Was any of this helicopter parenting? Not in my book. He certainly counseled me, pushed me in directions I would not have considered on my own, and suggested various courses of action, but once I took that advice and got into those internships and classes I had to sink or swim on my own. He didn't take my tests for me, lean on an underling to hire me, or go around covering up or bailing me out of my inadequacies or failures. And somewhere along the way I took up the reigns entirely. I turned down the offer of full-time employment with his company and took a job that had nothing to do with him: a professor in my minor field was impressed with my course work and recommended me for a position in a startup he was working with.

Returning to our headlines, even more than "Helicopter,"  "Inequality" is a highly loaded word in our culture, and it also is always negative. It is associated with institutional racism, sexism, and any other "ism" you can think of. When we hear the word we are supposed to immediately think "oh, that's bad. It's not fair! How can we make things more equal?" Of course the answer is usually "not much" - at least on the low side. While perhaps career counselors and other faculty in high school and beyond might possibly be able to do a little more to coach kids without successful, involved parents, that's about all you could hope for to improve the success rate for these less privileged students. So, barring much potential for reducing the delta on the poor end, we instead focus on the high end. They pull out the "Inequality" word. How Unfair it is that you rich parents are giving your kids the benefit of their wisdom, experience, and contacts! (And, I might add, your *genes!*) In fact, what you’re doing is nothing less than helicopter parenting. It's inappropriate interference in the "real world" that we are supposed to enter at age 18. Back off and let your kids figure it out on their own. Your input is not welcome. It is putting the kids who don't have parents like you at risk of failure. Let them have a chance by abandoning your kid to the jungle.

I resent and utterly reject the implied suggestion that by making my kids less, I will be making the world a better place by reducing the net inequality. Because where does that even end? Let's go back in my own life.  How unfair is it that my parents were *married?* (To each other!) That my mother chose to - and was financially able to - devote herself entirely to homemaking during my childhood? That my father's engineering strengths and my mother's more artistic and language-centric strengths were passed on to me by both nature and nurture? That my father remained steadily employed? That I suffered no serious childhood traumas or illnesses? That I was provided with opportunities to study music outside of school? That I was routinely taken to the library and encouraged to read? That I was always emotionally supported and encouraged to perform well academically? That I was taught the value of thrift, the hatred of debt, and the discipline of living within one's means? That I didn't have to chose summer jobs based purely on their income potential? That I was discouraged from dating or getting involved with much of the social garbage during high school? That I lived in a safe neighborhood on a cul-de-sac where I could ride my bike and make friends with the neighbors? That I had good medical and dental care?  That I was taught compassion and charity and service and commitment and loyalty? That I had access to my grandparents? That I was raised in the church?
All of this and more directly contributed to my inequality with my peers. It's called good parenting.
And all of this and more is exactly what I want to give my kids.

And no, it's not fair. Because life isn't fair. That's the fallen world we live in. But I can't solve it by not training my kids up to succeed - to make the best of their God-given talents and opportunities.
I can help solve it by training them to always be looking for ways of improving the lives of those around them, be it in minor or major ways. To love their neighbors, to act unselfishly, with compassion and charity, to have integrity and loyalty, and to look for the Kingdom of God around them. This is what I can do: more, not less. Infinite sum, not zero-sum thinking!


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